Loud speakers can't replace armed guards-a lesson one company had to learn the hard way.

Corporate executives of Business Homes recently swooned over its Hong Kong headquarters' new "state-of-the-art security system" with its more than 60 remotely controlled surveillance cameras and dozens of sensors.

The brass boasted that on-site guards were unnecessary because all the sensors and cameras produced live feeds directly to a human-manned techno-communications center several miles away. In the event of an intrusion, surveillance personnel could track criminal movements and even talk directly to the bad guys over speakers, warning them that if they didn't leave immediately dire consequences might ensue. Oooh, ain't that tough?

Business Homes doesn't have its sophisticated, state-of-the-art security system anymore. That's because it was stolen. Yup.

All the right bells and whistles went off when a gang invaded the offices, and surveillance officers got just enough live feed to realize two things. First, what the crooks were after was-the security system itself. Secondly, all that "tough talk" coming over the speakers didn't impress the robbers. They just ignored it and kept rippin' out system components.

When the Hong Kong cops-the real guys with guns-arrived, both the gang and the goods were gone. In fact, the only significant effect the security system had was on one poor, lonely, terrified elderly lady living next door to the Business Homes offices.

The woman told officers she was awakened in the middle of the night by the loud, stern voice of God Himself, speaking from the heavens, telling her that terrible things would happen if she didn't leave the area immediately. She was frenziedly packing up when the cops knocked on her door.

Skilled Fists Beat Out Firepower

Arturo Rivera had just stepped onto the sidewalk from a gym in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, when, outta nowhere, some dude appeared with a pistol in each hand and started blazin' away at him. The guy must have seen too many American movies, 'cause he was doing all that sideways, upside-down, leapin' and lunging two-handed "Matrix" kinda shooting, with an all-too-predictable result: He emptied both guns at Arturo at short range, scoring exactly zero hits. Arturo did a lot better than that in the hits department, and he didn't even have any guns.

Here's the lesson, kids: If you're gonna shoot at a boxer, make sure you hit him. Arturo "The Graduate" Rivera, an upcoming pugilist with a 26-0 record and 16 knockouts, responded by firing a couple salvos of his own. His two-handed technique worked just fine.

Police are still hoping to question the unidentified shooter and find out little points like his name and maybe why he targeted Arturo, but he's currently incapable of speech. His jawbones are in far more pieces than nature intended. Police officials say the case is semi-closed, follow-up needed.

Bad Hair Days

Female officers with the Berlin, Germany, Police Department are smiling at police commissioners these days, but the guys aren't breaking out in any Teutonic grins. After a wave of complaints from female patrol officers that their hairdo's were being ruined by the uniform blue flat cap, the ladies were granted permission to either wear a baseball-style cap or no cap at all while on duty. The girls giggled, the commissioners beamed, and all seemed sunny-until the complaints rolled in from the male officers.

So, male cops asked, who says only females have bad hair days because of these stupid hats? And where does the department get off passing regulations that clearly violate its own gender nondiscrimination policies? Now both genders can patrol hatless, much to the commissioners' chagrin.