Police Humor: Finding the Funny in Challenging Times

In this column for the past few weeks I've tried to pass along useful information about being safe during the global pandemic of COVID-19. This week I just want to provide some levity to aid in your sanity.

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With the continued spread of Coronavirus, the job of police officers—all first responders, really, including those guys and gals in the big red trucks, the little bus with a gurney in the back, and hospital workers—has become much more stressful.

One thing I've learned about police officers in my dozen or so years of affiliation with this great group of men and women is that cops are funny—funny in ways that many civilians might not fully grasp.

In this space for the past few weeks I've tried to pass along useful information about being safe during the global pandemic of COVID-19.

This week I just want to provide some levity to aid in your sanity.

Here is a small collection of jokes I've heard over the years. Please add your favorite guffaws in the comments below.

We need to have some humor in our lives—now more than ever. Relax and have a chuckle or a chortle.

1. Homicide Division

"Our day starts when your day ends."

It's only funny because it's true.

2. Eleven and One

A cop walks into a local bar shortly before closing time. There are 12 people in the establishment. He's in uniform, but unbeknownst to most folks in the room he's not on duty—he just left work a few minutes ago.

Immediately, eleven people raise their hands and say in unison, "I didn't do it!"

The bartender simply pulls a pint glass from the shelf and says, "Usual?"

3. Helpful Wife

This is one of my all-time favorites…

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.

The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."

The woman says, "Oh Steven! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"

The man gives his wife a dirty look.

The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."

The woman exclaims, "Steven! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"

The man gives his young wife another dirty look.

The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

"Steven," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"

The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"

The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"

"No," she says. "Only when he's drunk."

4. Perfect Crime

Someone broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets.

Cops now reportedly say they have nothing to go on.

5. The Clairvoyant

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

6. Donut Shop

An officer from a rural agency is proceeding down a four-lane road at just after dawn.

A motorist zips by him at twice the speed limit. Naturally, he lights him up and initiates a traffic stop.

"Why were you going so fast, sir, and where were you going?" the cop says.

The motorist replies, "I was going to the donut shop."

Cop replies, "But why the big hurry?"

Driver says back, "I knew if you got there before me there'd be nothing left."

7. Waiting Here

A motorist is flying down the road at 30 miles per hour over the posted speed limit. He zooms past a trooper monitoring a speed trap. The trooper lights him up and the motorist pulls over and waits for the trooper to give him a speeding citation.

The trooper comes up to the man's car and says, "I have been waiting for you all day."

The driver says in reply, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

8. The Penguins

A man was driving down the road when a police officer stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, "Why are these penguins in your truck?"

The man replied, "These are my penguins. They belong to me."

"You need to take them to the zoo," the officer said.

The next day, the officer saw the same motorist driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were all wearing sunglasses.

"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo," the officer said.

"I did," the man replied. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

9. The Hospital

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of a busy street. The officer approaches and asks, "Are you okay?"

The woman replies, "Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?"

The officer replies, "Just keep standing there."

10. The Ghost

Why did the fish and game officer ticket the ghost?

It didn’t have a haunting license.

Final Words

There's nothing funny about police officers and other first responders being exposed to—and at times contracting—Coronavirus. It's serious business that needs a cautious approach.

The CDC—the lead agency identifying, studying, and recommending remediation for a host of health threats to American workers, including first responders—recommends the wearing of disposable gloves, eye protection, and face masks rated to N95 mask or higher.

Police, firefighters, EMTs, and medical workers all must report for duty and come into contact with some of the most likely carriers of this new and novel infectious disease.

Stock up on hand sanitizer.

Wash your hands.

Stay as far away from subjects as is practicable.

But when you get back to the station—or you get back home to your family—try to find laughter again.

If there's a stand-up comedian you like, watch them on Netflix or YouTube or Amazon Prime. If there's a blog or podcast that you like, get updated on the latest episodes.

Cops are funny people out of necessity. You're probably the funniest group of folks I've ever known.

I love you so, and appreciate everything you do.

Please stay safe in these strange and unsettling times. 

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