On Thanksgiving, Have a Healthy Heaping of Happy (Not a Holiday Headache)

Holiday get-togethers are making something of a comeback, so you're headed over the river and through the woods to "Grandmother's house" for the traditional Thanksgiving Holiday gathering. In case the dinner conversation turns contentious, here's a small collection of short jokes and one-liners to break the tension when the food fight is about to begin.

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Last year, nearly everyone was on COVID-19 lockdown, so Thanksgiving was all but cancelled—you, your spouse, your kids, and the dog hunkered down at home, everyone getting to have a turkey leg because all you bought was turkey legs (problem solved).

The year before last your spouse took the kids to the mother-in-law's place (odd numbered year for those odd ducks just far enough away) and you picked up four overtime shifts.

But it's now 2021, and holiday get-togethers are making something of a comeback. So, sometime in coming days, you'll be headed over the river and through the woods to "Grandmother's house" for the traditional Thanksgiving Holiday gathering. Mom is a wizard with the turkey, your sister makes the best side-dishes, and dad makes sure that anyone who wants to watch the Cowboys in the late game has a seat.


Bliss, indeed, except for the fact that your sister's husband will be there, as will your crazy cousin on your mother's side. Both of those yahoos have an opinion about absolutely everything—including but not limited to: vaccine mandates, global supply chain management, hyperinflation, and critical race theory in schools—and both will be about six cocktails into the afternoon before the meal is served.  

A verbal version of Conor McGregor vs. Nate Diaz is entertaining in just about every circumstance except Thanksgiving dinner, so here's a small collection of short jokes and one-liners to break the tension when the food fight is about to begin.

"Coply" Humor

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you put a knife into a bagpipe.

What happened to the two peanuts walking down the street?
One was assaulted.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

The energizer bunny was recently arrested.
He was charged with battery.

The Pope looks out the windows of his popemobile and sees nothing but open road ahead. He asks the driver if he can take the wheel for a while and they switch places. But the Pope hasn't driven a car since becoming the Pope, so he's rusty and soon gets pulled over. The traffic cop approaches the car, sees what he's got on his hands, and tells the Pope to hold on for a minute while he returns to his squad car.
He says over the radio, "Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important person."
The chief, says, "How important? The governor's wife?"
The cop says, "No sir. Bigger."
The chief, says, "The governor himself?"
The cop says, "No sir. Even Bigger."
Chief says, "Don't tell me you have a celebrity."
The cop says, "No, he's not famous. I don't even know who he is. But his driver is the Pope."

Kids' Table

I'm reading a book about gravity.
It's impossible to put down.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you even see it.

There was a kidnapping at school.
It's okay, he woke up.

What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White Vans.

Thanksgiving Groaners

Why did the cops arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of foul play.

When is turkey soup dangerous?
When you're the turkey.

Why do turkeys gobble?
They don't have any table manners.

What will the turkey eat for Thanksgiving dinner?
Nothing. It's already stuffed.

Two cannibals are having Thanksgiving dinner and the topic of family comes up in conversation.
"I just cannot stand my mother-in-law" one says.
The other one says, "Try the mashed potatoes and gravy instead."

Adults Only

A pastor was seated next to an Irishman on a long flight and as the airplane reaches altitude, both are asked for their drink orders. The Irishman asks the flight attendant for a whiskey.
The pastor is disgusted. "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman looks back to the flight attendant and says, "On second thought, I'll have what he's having. I didn't know we had a choice."

A approaches his wife and says, "Sweetheart, I have a problem."
The woman smiles kindly and says, "Darling, your problem is my problem—trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me."
"OK, well, in that case, we got your best friend pregnant."

A young woman visits the gynecologist for a regular, routine check-up and learns that there is a short wait until the doctor will be available. She's shown to an examination room by an assistant and left there alone. A short time later the doctor appears and says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news."
The woman gasps, afraid, and exclaims, "What? What ever could it be?"
The doctor sighs and says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"What?! Why?!" she asks.
"Because I have to begin the examination."

Two newlyweds are in their wedding bed after consummating their marriage. They're in the warm afterglow and the husband turns to his bride and says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The young woman rolls lazily back on the pillows, looks up at the ceiling with dreamy eyes, and says, "You have a bigger penis than your brother."

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.

Final Words

In all seriousness, there will certainly be some candid conversations at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, and in some households, some seriously bad outcomes may be possible. If you're on patrol on Turkey Day, be ready for some very Turkey-like behavior causing calls to 911 and a police response.

When you're dispatched to a domestic dispute call try to find out from the call center—residents and known associates, as well as history of prior calls at the location—while you're still en route so you have some idea of what you're walking into. Whenever possible, respond with multiple units—three or four officers is a good starting point. Be cautious in your approach, parking some distance away and moving quietly toward the residence. Once you're inside the domicile, use any and all available natural barriers—couches, chairs, tables, and the like—to make a sudden attack / assault on you more difficult.

Wherever you find yourself this Thanksgiving, know that despite all the anti-cop rhetoric from those vocal members of the public, the press, and the political class, the overwhelming majority of Americans are sincerely thankful for everything you do.

Now, if you would, please pass the mashed potatoes and gravy.

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