Unbeknownst to many in the public—but well-known to pretty much all of the men and women who stand behind the thin blue line that protects them—police officers have a tremendous sense of humor. At times, it's gallows humor at a particularly cruel crime scene, and at times it's a quietly muttered one-liner at roll call (usually resulting in some manner of light disciplinary measures from the lieutenant).
It's time to take a little break and have a little fun.
Earlier this week, I asked my LEO friends on Facebook to send me via direct message their favorite police joke. Many thanks to all the officers who sent me a joke—you know who you are.
Disclaimer: I take no credit—nor any blame—for any of these.
Relax and have a chuckle or a chortle. Add your favorite joke in the comments section below.
1. Helpful Wife
An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.
The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.
"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.
The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."
The woman says, "Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"
The man gives his wife a dirty look.
The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."
The woman exclaims, "Stuart! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"
The man gives his young wife another dirty look.
The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
"Stuart," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"
The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"
The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"
"No," she says, "Only when he's drunk."
2. Prescription Glasses
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."
Driver says, "Officer, I have contacts."
Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket.
3. The Clairvoyant
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
4. Energizer Bunny
The energizer bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.
5. Two Peanuts
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in a bad neighborhood? One was assaulted.
6. Forty Over
An officer conducting speed enforcement stops a young man for traveling in excess of 40 mph over the speed limit. The officer approaches the driver and says, "Well, 40 over...I been waiting for you to come along all day."
Without pause, the young man replies, "I got here as fast as I could!"
7. California Roll
After making a "California Stop" at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver's license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
The driver replies, "I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through."
The officer replies, "You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection."
The driver argues back. "There was no one coming. What's the big deal?"
The officer tries again. "Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign."
The driver is not convinced. "If there's no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what's the difference?"
The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.
"Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?"
8. The Hospital
An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, "Are you okay?"
The woman replies, "Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?"
The officer replies, "Just keep standing there."
9. The Lecture
An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, "Where are you going at this time of night?"
The man replies, "I'm on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Who would be giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?"
The man says, "My wife."
10. Drug Test
An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test."
Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
11. The Wedding
An officer pulls over a man for speeding.
Before the officer can even say a word at the stop, the man—dressed in a tuxedo—blurts out, "Sir you have to listen to me…"
The officer cuts him off, "Sir, you were going twice the speed limit, I'm going to issue a ticket."
Insistent, the man pleads, "Please! I have to…"
The officer interrupts, "Don't bother, you're getting this ticket."
This back-and-forth continues for several minutes, eventually escalating to where the man was becoming openly hostile. The officer places the man under arrest.
At the holding cell, the officer says, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."
12. My Penguins
A man was driving down the road when a police officer stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, "Why are these penguins in your truck?"
The man replied, "These are my penguins. They belong to me."
"You need to take them to the zoo," the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time.
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" the officer said.
"I did," the man replied. "And today I'm taking them to the beach."
Doug Wyllie has authored more than 1,000 articles and tactical tips aimed at ensuring that police officers are safer and more successful on the streets. Doug is a Western Publishing Association “Maggie Award” winner for Best Regularly Featured Digital Edition Column. He is a member of International Law Enforcement Educators and Trainers Association (ILEETA), an Associate Member of the California Peace Officers’ Association (CPOA), and a member of the Public Safety Writers Association (PSWA).View Bio