Of course this explanation never solved the citizen's original problem. And of course the citizen, who is just unable to do anything without the help of a government agency, always demanded a police report just so the incident was "on file." Why a police report being "on file" is some sort of magic ace in the hole for a situation that isn't even criminal in nature and is never going to be given a second glance by a city attorney is beyond me.
I wish "COPS" or one of those other reality TV shows really showed what police work was all about. Could you imagine watching a whole hour of two cops writing a D.V. report? Now that's must-see TV.
So to help out my brother and sister patrol officers, I've come up with a report template. Just fill it out, smile at the citizen, and repeat after me. "Yes, sir. A report will be on file.
Officer's Report
Synopsis-a tweaker/loser/transient was involved in a fight/altercation/relationship with another tweaker/loser/ transient.
Origin-I received a radio call to investigate a citizen's report of a disturbance of some kind. Unfortunately, I was unable to pawn this call off on a trainee.
Investigation-upon arrival, I was forced to listen to the alcoholic/narcotic/psychotic ramblings of the alleged victim and his ex-wife/girlfriend/mother/guardian. I quickly dispelled the idea that I was sympathetic to their plight and that the police department and the criminal justice system did not give a rat's/monkey's/ferret's behind for their particular brand of domestic problem.
I advised the loser/tweaker that his/her problem was a civil/mutual combat/family court situation and directed him/her to the nearest phone.
I then proceeded to my favorite bagel/taco/sushi drive-thru restaurant and procured a free/half-price/full-price meal. I then cleared sometime later when I heard my sergeant/lieutenant/ captain on the radio asking for the section for running a red light.
Background-I have investigated numerous bogus calls for service, including but not limited to: burglar alarms, 911 hang-ups, skateboarders, roadway hazards, transients, ball playing in the street, and non-injury traffic accidents. If a real crime had been committed, I'm sure I would have been able to tell the difference.
Statement-Theloser/tweaker/transient gave me an unintelligible, rambling, drug-induced statement. I was able to discern the following words: "dude," "thrashed," "weed," and the phrase "know what I mean?" Suffice it to say that the alleged victim was injured/robbed/verbally abused by his friend/family/ex-wife.
Evidence-Not worth impounding.
Injuries-All injuries incurred by the "victim" were most likely deserved and/or the result of street justice. He was eventually treated and released at the County hospital and the bill footed by the taxpayers.
Property Damage-The victim's skateboard/Walkman/dog/bicycle was "like, seriously thrashed, dude."
Follow Up-The Bogus Crimes Unit was contacted and a seasoned investigator was dispatched to take over the case/crime scene/combo plate.
Related Reports-See my last bogus report.
George Eliseo served 11 years as a patrol officer for the San Diego (Calif.) PD before retiring in 2000.
