While my efforts have left me with a growing optimism that I might well prevail in a death match with the average fellow geriatric, I know full well that the money's on the other guy if I was forced into the octagon with a strapping 25-year-old.
But if all my ensuing and considerable efforts at cajoling, begging, groveling, and other manners of 21st Century diplomacy failed to save spare me a terminal ass-beating, I'd like to think that before going lights out, I'd give my aggressor something for him to remember me by, something above and beyond the tattooed date commemorating my demise that'd doubtlessly come to adorn his vascular calf.
Why? Because I think a lot of my precious hide. As such, any altercation involving yours truly as underdog is going to closer resemble a Three Stooges outtake than some well choreographed Jason Stratham number: It ain't gonna be pretty.
This means that everything is on the table. Otherwise inanimate objects may become animated; eye gouging, hitting, slapping, choking, more-or-less-lethal weaponry, avian flu, nuclear devices, and Barney's Beanery-enhanced flatulence are all fair game. And don't think I haven't contemplated what my well preserved teeth—three cavities in 50 plus years—might be capable of. We're talking deep in the heart of "Boy Named Sue" Mike Tyson territory. In short, whatever would leave the SOB with his own element of pain and scarring, I would do. And if by some miracle I might lacerate a jugular, so much the better. I don't like fighting, and resenting the imposition, I want the other s.o.b. to pay.
Perhaps, it's odd for a man my age to contemplate such things. How to prevail in hand-to-hand combat is rarely encountered within the pages of the AARP newsletter, and it’s easy to dismiss these speculations as paranoia-induced, the ruminations of a misanthropic recluse with too much time on his hands and mind. Nor would I necessarily refute such conclusions. I would, however, remind said detractors that we live in a land that was credibly portrayed in the film and novel "No Country for Old Men."