When your constables can run at 50 kilometers per hour and catch speeding cars on foot, how does a lawbreaker stand a chance? That's what was sluggishly percolating through Robert DuPort's mind, we suspect, when he was arrested for driving under the influence.

When the temperature drops below freezing, it's policy for Canadian Mounties to check cars stopped on the Trans Canada Highway, since the occupants could become icicles in short order. That's what RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was doing when he found DuPort apparently passed out at the wheel of his vehicle near Medicine Hat, Alberta.

The vehicle was stuck in deep snow with the engine still running. When Bill rapped on Robert's window, DuPort jolted awake, saw Wisen's rotating party lights in his rear-view mirror, and took off-he thought. DuPort dropped the transmission into gear, floored the gas pedal, and sat there spinning his wheels in the snow.

DuPort, it seems, thought he was fleeing the scene and leaving the mountie's cruiser far behind until he glanced to his side. Wisen, who had guessed what was going on in DuPort's mind, got into the act and was "running in place" about a foot from DuPort's window. Then Wisen rapped on DuPort's window again.

Aghast, DuPort stared at the "running" mountie, glanced down at his speedometer, which read 50 kilometers per hour, and almost choked. He must have thought he was being chased by the world's fastest mountie. DuPort stomped even harder on the gas, which only caused his wheels to spin faster in the snow, but he thought he was accelerating to warp speed.

Wisen responded by speeding up his stationary running, knees pumping and elbows flailing. Now the look on DuPort's face was sheer amazement and a little horror. After about 20 seconds of this, Wisen got tired of the joke, rapped on DuPort's window again, and sternly pointed to the side of the road, shouting at DuPort to pull over and stop. DuPort complied, easing off the gas, turning his wheel, and finally "parking" and giving up.

After being taken into custody, DuPort wanted to know what kind of miraculous physical conditioning program the Mounties had. He still didn't get it.

Hide and Seek

Iraqi Security Forces and their American counterparts have some deadly serious duties, but like peace officers everywhere, they get a good laugh out of their work now and then.

Working hand-in-hand as a balanced team, a bunch of their good guys and our good guys identified a major crook and sometimes terrorist in Baghdad, and pinpointed his home. When they served a warrant, the bad guy was not immediately visible. It was the usual, "Who? Oh, he ain't home" scenario. A search ensued, and didn't take long.

They found their crime king hiding in a closet. He was sitting on the floor amidst a bunch of clothing with a pair of his wife's XXL panties over his head. Unfortunately for him, they were looking for a big butthead anyway, and his disguise only confirmed his status.