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Departments : It's a Jungle Out There

All Wrapped Up

Duct tape as restraints and beer as a rescue device.

August 01, 2005  |  by Commander Gilmore

A hapless crook sorta brought his own handcuffs—and manacles, ankle-irons, and hood, though he didn't mean to. Officers responding to a report of a home-invasion robbery in Georgetown, Guyana, arrived looking for two scumbag suspects. But all they saw was a merry mob of neighborhood residents dancing around a utility pole.

On closer inspection, the laughing locals seemed to be celebrating the presence of what appeared to be a very large silvery gray cocoon stuck to the side of the pole. Drawing even closer, they saw the cocoon was made of duct tape. And it moved-and made piteous noises.

The guy in the cocoon and a felonious friend had broken into the home of an elderly lady and her teenage granddaughter, assuming they wouldn't meet any resistance. After all, they were big, mean-lookin' dudes. But you know that ol' saying about the word "assume," right? Yeah.

Both granny and granddaughter launched their own attack, punching, biting, kicking, and howling until their screams brought on a torrent of ticked-off neighbors. One of the suspects managed to get away, running from a hailstorm of rocks and curses. The other guy wasn't so lucky.

After some prolonged pummeling, the folks looked around for something to tie their prize up with while waiting for the police. Hmmm- No handcuffs, no flex-ties, no rope handy. But look! Their prisoner had brought along a fat new roll of duct tape to bind his victims with! How thoughtful!

The neighbors used every inch of the roll. To say our crime king was "secured" is an understatement. Police officials didn't say how long it took to unwrap their package, or how loud he squealed while they peeled off all that tape, but it doesn't take much imagination to get the picture.

Drunk, But Not DUI

Richard Kral freely admitted that he consumed 60 bottles of beer while in his car and was knee-walkin' blasted when officers found him, but explained that he wasn't driving under the influence. He was just saving his life.

Richard was cautiously navigating a snow-covered highway through the Slovak Tatra mountains in Slovakia when an avalanche thundered down the slopes over him, burying his little sedan under several feet of freezing white death. Recovering from his initial shock, Richard cranked the driver's side window open. Snow immediately poured in. He began digging furiously. The problem was, even though he packed the snow down below the window as tightly as he could, he saw that he would fill every inch of air space in the car's interior long before he would see daylight. What to do?

Richard's eyes lit on the five dozen bottles of beer in his back seat. He had packed plenty of his favorite brew for the vacation he might never live to enjoy. Oh, well, he thought, and popped a beer. Shortly after that, of course, he had to pee. He did, and noticed how the snow just kinda disappeared and ran away when hit with the warm stream. A little light came on over his head, and we don't mean the interior dome light. Richard spent the next four days drinking, urinating, and digging, while police searched above him.

Officers and rescue workers found him wandering shakily along a hillside path, completely blotto and complaining of pain in his liver and kidneys.

"It was hard," he told reporters. "And now my liver and kidneys hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

We suspect Richard's standard vehicle emergency kit now consists of a shovel, blankets, and 10 six-packs.


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