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Departments : It's a Jungle Out There

Cops Caught Off Guard

Empty-handed cops, a determined drunk, and a humming trash can.

April 01, 2005  |  by Commander Gilmore

We've gotta believe that 46 Brazilian police officers now own the world's record for the most embarrassing cop moment in history. Nearly 50 officers from the state of Paraiba, all dressed in team clothing, were on a bus heading for a big athletic competition in the city of Salvador when four armed dudes blocked the road on a deserted stretch and announced a holdup. At any other time, this might have been a rather gaudy act of suicide, but none of the cops had brought their guns.

It seems they had decided to leave their roscoes behind. Either they feared having the guns stolen while they were competing or, knowing events were going to get rather "festive," they didn't want to be armed while celebrating, knowing this could lead to unpleasant developments like shots fired and terminations. Good thinking, to a point. They just sorta forgot to appoint some "designated shooters."

The holdup crew was busily relieving the passengers of wallets, watches, and cell phones when they started running across heavier jewelry...like badges. This merely added to the joy of the moment, and the bad guys gleefully stripped the cops of everything, including their sports uniforms, sneakers, and socks, then left 'em sulking and moping at the side of the highway.

A red-faced police spokesman discussed the incident with the press, adding that there was not a lot of public outcry to find the perpetrators because, well, most people just thought it was pretty funny.

Double DUI

It seemed like a routine DUI arrest for two Swedish highway cops when they stopped a 53-year old driver outside of Stockholm. They followed standard procedure, parking his car, relieving him of his keys, and taking him to a police station for a blood-alcohol breath test, which he predictably failed miserably. After the driver was issued a citation he was released on foot, and the officers settled into their paperwork. They planned to go have the car towed as soon as they were done.

Meanwhile, their former and future prisoner hailed a cab and returned to the scene, where he fished out his spare set of keys, hopped in, and headed for home or the nearest bar, whichever. Minutes later he was whizzin' right along and blew past the officers, who were heading in the other direction. After doing a swift goggle-eyed double take, the officers agreed that, "Yeah, that's our guy...again!" The two men launched their cruiser into a screeching U-turn, and pursuit number two was on.

Terminating a high-speed, wobbling and swerving, failure-to-yield chase, the twice-baked suspect planted his ride in a deep ditch. This time the officers shook him down thoroughly for hidden keys and locked both him and his car safely away.

Weapons of Mass Distraction

After an airline employee reported a strange humming noise coming from a trash container, security officials called police and clamped a freeze on all flights and operations at Brisbane International Airport in Australia. With the terminal shut down and cordoned off, explosive ordnance disposal personnel gingerly crept in to investigate.

Some terrorist devices are pretty hard to identify, but this one wasn't. As soon as an EOD tech got "eyeballs on" the object, he signaled the all-clear. Of course, his superiors and airport officials immediately demanded to know what the device was, but the officer didn't know quite how to put it in delicate terms. It was finally pronounced to be a "battery-operated sex toy."

Unnamed sources offered speculation that a passenger decided at the last minute that having the little electric friend discovered by security screeners might create an embarrassing situation and tossed it into the nearest trash can. Upon impact, the "on" switch must have been activated.

Tags: Stupid Criminals


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