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Departments : It's a Jungle Out There

Anti-Vampire Riots

There's no telling what wild creatures you'll come across in the exciting world of policing.

April 01, 2003  |  by Commander Gilmore


So you've got outta-control gangs on the west end of your beat and a car-prowl series on the east? Try policing anti-vampire riots. You'll come away thankful to be working the graveyard shift in Buffalo.

In Malawi, police across the nation are stretched to the limit as the rumors fly that the government is working with vampires to suck blood (literally, like in slurping blood and then spitting it into vials) for profit and selling it on the world market through the United Nations. Attacks on suspected bloodsuckers are growing daily, including one man beaten to death and three Roman Catholic priests severely injured, all suspected of being government bloodsuckers. Hey, they've got vampires, we've got the IRS.

Rampaging Pigs

In Turkey, national police have been deployed to protect villages outside Istanbul from mobs of aggressive, marauding wild pigs. The Anatolian news agency reported a "swine invasion," after hundreds of feral pigs ran amok in the northeast part of the country. Scientists say the wild pigs have been driven into the cities and towns by fierce weather conditions and destruction of natural food sources. And, they advise, these pigs are big, fast, dangerous, and always raid in groups. They haven't mastered semiauto weapons yet, but they've got razor-sharp teeth, guys.

Big, Drunk, and Destructive

And we're not talking about your college frat buddies. The cops in northern India's province of Assam have a real problem with boozers, but at least they don't drive. Drunken elephants recently killed six people during a weekend binge in Tinsukia.

It's a phenomenon that has developed over the past 20 years. Elephants in the wild have always been known to make their own potent hooch by stomping ripe fruit and then letting it ferment for several days in the sun before swilling the goo and gettin' blasted. But over the last two decades, it seems the guys in gray suits have decided that cocktailing is a lot easier if you let those skinny little humans brew it up for you-and then just raid their vats.

In the past two years alone, more than 200 people have been killed when bands of elephants-mostly young males-have suddenly charged into villages, knocking down walls and even entire buildings to get at stored supplies of rice wine and "country liquor."

"The elephants, after consuming huge quantities of country-made liquor, went berserk, killing six people on the spot," a police spokesman reported. And they're armed with mostly old .38's and .410 shotguns...The police, that is, not the pachyderms. They don't need no stinkin' guns.


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