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Departments : It's a Jungle Out There

Angry Croquet Players and Missing Ships

October 01, 2002  |  by Commander Gilmore

Croquet Hooligans

Cops have to deal with all sorts of silly fights people people get into, and some are dang near as deadly as shoot-outs. Just imagine how the cops in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, felt when they got called to a riot involving "softballers and croquet players."

On that sunny, peaceful day it seems a buncha softball players were just leaving a public park, strolling past some gentle folks playing croquet when somebody said something about somebody's momma, then a middle finger got hoisted, then the fists started flying, and then...those fists reached for "other things."

Do the math. Two teams of softball players share only a couple of bats. But every single swingin' croquet player has his or her own genuine tight-grained heavy-headed hardwood croquet mallet. Takin' any bets on who won? Three guys went to the hospital with mallet-induced head injuries, one guy went straight to surgery, and nine more were arrested, sporting various black-and-blue dings and ouchies. See what happens when you confiscate all the guns? Even the croquet players get nuts, although, I gotta tell you, I never trusted those croquet players. They've just got that "murderous outlaw" look about 'em.

"I didn't know croquet was a contact sport," Det. Dean Vegso told reporters. Hey, Dean, this is only the beginning; wait until the badminton players go postal on each other.

Our Navy is Missing

And now, apparently the Swaziland National Police are supposed to go out and find their country's navy....

Yep, it's true. The landlocked African country has a navy, consisting of one ship, the "Swazimar," and it's missing. And yes, it's a big ship, and it's really missing.

Nobody can explain this better, or funnier, so I'll just give you the quote from Swaziland's Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula, who told Parliament, "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all. We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colors you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up."

When one of the members of Parliament suggested that government officials had to be extremely doofy, not to mention stupid, to have lost such a big, brightly colored ship, Magagula replied, "The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in." Boy, I guess ol' Ephraem told him.

As for the logic behind putting cops on the case, well, the police are responsible for missing persons, and there are, or were, some persons on that ship. Good luck, officers, and try not to have "a problem with drink." Remember, it's probably "in a sea somewhere."

Any lateral transfer requests for Swaziland PD?

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