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Departments : It's a Jungle Out There

Too Stupid to Make it as a Stupid Crook

October 01, 2001  |  by Commander Gilmore

Whether that makes it a good thing or not, most stupid crooks are good for a series of laughs, screwing up a crime, going to the Big House, getting out and screwing up their next crime. You know; kind of a "gift that keeps on giving." But James Elliot proved you can be too stupid to be a stupid crook more than once.

In the midst of an otherwise unremarkable armed robbery, James decided to blow one of the victims away. He brought his revolver to bear on target and squeezed the trigger. Pretty simple, huh? I mean, a revolver is the original user-friendly point-an'-click interface. Click. That was it; no bang. So James turned that wheelgun around to his own face, peered intently down the barrel, and pulled the trigger again. You might say he was successful. This time it worked. And we're all gonna be deprived of future "Stupid James" stunts.

What Some Guys Will Do for Fast Food

Hey, cops know how it is - maybe even better than your average citizen - because they're always drivin' past those fast-food-o-ramas and sniffin' those fine smells. Everybody's got their weakness, and man, it's hard to resist. Sometimes you can't even resist that urge when you're right in the middle of something kinda important.

That's what happened to Lakount Maddox, right in the middle of a holdup. Lakount was getting an "A" for creativity when he rode his bicycle up to the drive-through window of a Fort Worth Taco Bell, and another "A" for efficiency when he waved his pistol, told 'em to fill a bag with cash from the till, and hurry it up! Then, sittin' there on his bike, sniffin' them fine, fine aromas, he blew it. He added an item to his order. "And gimme a chalupa," he said.

Now, as you can guess, Taco Bell employees can be really quick when it comes to emptying the cash register for robberies, but delivering "fast" food from the menu? You better be ready for a wait. They even explained to Lakount that they didn't have any chalupas made up, and they'd have to hand-roll one for him. But by that time he was a gone goose. He told 'em go ahead; he'd wait. Somewhere between deep-fryin' the meat-mush and tossin' on the yuck-cheese, one of them dropped a dime to Fort Worth PD.

Lakount was still waiting, pistol and loot-bag in hand when two of Fort Worth's finest screamed up. Undeterred, Lakount took off pedaling like a madman. He didn't even stop after taking one slug each in an arm and a leg, and didn't dismount and surrender until another police cruiser cut him off and blocked him in. Poor Lakount. No chalupa, no money, no Taco Bell where he's going, and one final ironic note: the cops found out why Lakount never returned fire with that pistol he was waving around. It was a toy gun. Man, they always screw you at the drive-through.

Let's See, Gun, Mask and, Oh Yeah, Car Keys

If Jeffrey Anaya, 35, gets out in time to take another swing at a career in armed robbery, he's gonna remember that last little item. After holding up a Chevron gas station, Jeffy dashed out to the lot where his getaway wheels lay waitin', and... Stood there. Door locked. All doors locked, windows up. Checked one pants pocket - no keys. Checked the rest of his pockets - no keys. Looked wildly around on the ground, back toward the gas station - no keys! Ran frantically around the car, peekin' in to see if the keys were inside - no dang keys!!

Now, here's the part where his brain melted down an' fizzled. Instead of ditchin' the wheels and hoofing it, Jeffy started pleading with passersby to help him get into his car. No takers. He was still trying when the cops arrived, and they weren't very helpful, either. I mean, they gave him a ride, but...

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