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Randy Sutton

Randy Sutton

Randy Sutton is a 33-year law enforcement veteran, a trainer, and the national spokesman for The American Council on Public Safety. He served 10 years with the Princeton (N.J.) Police Department and 23 years with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, retiring at the rank of lieutenant. He is an author who has published multiple books on law enforcement.

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Patrol

The Lemonade Cartel Wars

We've dealt with dopeheads, potheads, and knuckleheads. Now we face the real problem—Lemonheads.

September 06, 2011  |  by - Also by this author

The effects of Lemonade can be quite ugly.
The effects of Lemonade can be quite ugly.
Where would we be without our true blue heroes?

Oh, I'm not talking about those uniformed men and women who run into burning buildings, interject themselves into active shooter situations, or otherwise indulge in some intervention on behalf of a citizen in perceived distress. That's old hat.

I'm talking about those who have committed themselves to a mission of truly momentous proportions. I'm talking about those who lead from the front. I'm talking about those who have their ducks in a row and tax payers, too. I'm talking about the men and women on the front lines of the Lemonade Cartel Wars.

Adulterant to the likes of Pledge and Pine-Sol, a metaphor for bad cars and for good reason, the lemon has proven itself America's most badass fruit since its introduction by Christopher Columbus during his '92 world tour. The lemon is, predictably, a precursor to lemonade—itself a gateway drink, leading directly to harder stuff, like Mike's Hard Lemonade and, in concert with its deciduous cousin the lime, margaritas.

The lemon's volatile qualities means that the dangers associated with lemonade production are unmatched by anything this side of meth labs and nuclear fission. In the hands of illicit peddlers lemons are smashed, squashed, pulped, and pureed, and their filtrate sold on the street to an unsuspecting public. With no quality control or governmental oversight, the varying degrees of purity finds unsuspecting clients exhibiting alum-enhanced smiles.

Despite the many threats posed by lemonade, there are those who denigrate the efforts of our badged brethren. These lesser mortals characterize our heroes as having screwed up priorities and exploiting their authority as an avenue to revenue and openly ponder if their vigilance wouldn't be better spent in the pursuit of cold-blooded murderers and Congressmen. But a cursory scrutiny splinters these contentions as easily as the cobbled boards that comprise these illicit stands and reveal our critics are as yellow as the fruit they defend. More than mere apologists for the lemon, they are often found to be members of NORMAL (National Organization for the Relief of Many an Abused Lemon).

Contrast these Neville Chamberlain's with the bravery of those who take on these pubescent pulp purveyors. Facing down freckle-faced feckless females and fermenting fruits, these daring-do dicks prove such sufficient inspirations that even green tea stands don't stand a chance. In clamping down on forbidden fruit juices, they prevent the taint of legitimacy that would lead to broader social acceptance and eventual franchisement. And if there's one thing we don't need it's the presence of lemonade stands inside America's malls alongside other inexplicable success stories such as Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

Still, society's bleeding hearts wring their hands in worry, fretting that some bewildered and disillusioned seven year olds might be left in their wake and our court calendars further backlogged by sociopathic fathers trying to defend the indefensible.

I will give them that. But these are small prices to pay when it comes to protecting our American way of life, and I, for one, sleep better at night knowing that the LemOnade Stand EnforceRS (LOSERS) are out there continuing their march on the rind.

So here's to you, Coralville, Iowa, and Appleton, Wis. Our hats off to you, Tulare, Calif., and Midway, Ga. You make me proud to have been a law enforcement official—and happy as hell I am retired.

And as for you who would foolishly abide by the adage, "When life hands you lemons"...Well, just consider yourselves forewarned.

Related: Ga. Officers Shut Down Lemonade Stand


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