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Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

1/28/2008 2:25 AM
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

These are from Comedy Central ...They've got some good stuff so check them out:

Funny Quotes from Famous People

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State).

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
REPLY 1  -  10  of  10
2/14/2008 8:47 AM #1
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity On or Off Duty

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity On or Off Duty

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 
 
Page yourself over the police radio. Don't disguise your voice.
 
Every time anything happens say, "Now that's what I'm talkin' about."
 
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that. 
 
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in." 
 
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 
 
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors" 
 
In all your police reports, finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 
 
Play with the prosecutor Dont use any punctuation 
 
As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 
 
During an investigation, ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
 
At the coffee shop, specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 
 
Sing along at public concerts in full uniform
 
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme 
 
Put sand bags around your work area and play gunfire sounds
all day. 
 
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their 
party because you're not in the mood. 
 
Before you go out to eat, when the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!" 
 
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 
"run for your lives, they're loose!!" 
 
Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
3/2/2009 3:32 PM #2
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

Your bailout options Mr. President

'Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?" '

What would Obama say I wonder...LOL

[From Joke of the Day]

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
4/15/2009 9:22 PM #3
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

found this one...pretty funny

Be Care of Who You Flag Down For Assistance ...

Courtesy of Star Tribune

A man driving a stolen car that went into a ditch flagged down the wrong person for help. Dean Gangl, 40, of Richmond, Minn., unwittingly asked an off-duty sheriff's deputy to help him pull the vehicle out of a ditch along Benton County Road 4 west of Foley, Minn., Sheriff Brad Bennett said.

The deputy, who came upon the stranded motorist at 4:45 a.m. Tuesday while he was on his way home, noticed that the vehicle in the ditch matched the description of one reported stolen hours earlier in St. Cloud. The deputy radioed to dispatchers, who confirmed the man was driving a stolen car, Bennett said.

The deputy arrested Gangl and found that he was in possession of a white crystal substance. Gangl tested positive for methamphetamine, Bennett said. He was taken to the Benton County Jail and charged with being in possession of controlled substance and possession of a stolen motor vehicle.

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
4/16/2009 2:18 AM #4
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 215

RE: Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

Know what the SEALs call 3 Somali pirates bobbing in a lifeboat?

Target practice.
4/16/2009 9:33 PM #5
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 215

RE: Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

Saw a funny cartoon the other day, but danged if I can remember where so I'll just recreate it.

MEMO
FROM: U.S. Navy Seals
TO : Somali Pirates

BANG. You're dead.
4/19/2009 1:07 PM #6
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

Navy SEALS

Those guys are pretty damn good...LOL.

You know what they say...there's always a bigger fish :-)

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
4/19/2009 10:05 PM #7
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 215

RE: Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

Here's a funny 'motivational' poster.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_IKAx782HQ9g/SeNFgp2onZI/AAAAAAAAEyA/gwzxJsTmKNI/s1600-h/navydemotivator1.jpg

And I found that memo! It's now a t-shirt from Ranger Up.
http://www.blackfive.net/main/2009/04/navy-seal-pirate-ventilating-tshirt.html

Blackfive is a great website. One of the best milblogs out there I think.
4/21/2009 7:18 PM #8
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 43

my name is....

lol

tell u all what, the need to get a boat out in the water just full of them navy SEALS. one of them dumb pirates come aboard and them SEALS will do what any gentlemen would do...introduce themselves...

 

"Hi. My name is Seal....Navy SEAL" and then end the introduction with some rapid fire.

either that we could chuck good ol Texan Steve out there in his boots and stetson with a big ass .357 mag revolver "you all here for the BBQ?"....lol then steve can hog tie 'em up and will have some more pig to roast.

 

;-) sounds good to me...lol

Last edited @ 4/21/2009 7:19 PM
4/22/2009 9:34 PM #9
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 216

Navy SEALs and that Texan

LMAO.

We need to get them SEALs new shirts...

"ARRRRRRRR! Who's your Daddy!!!"

"Is your number still 911?" - Ofc. Rachel T.
4/22/2009 10:01 PM #10
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 215

RE: Generic Jokes for all to enjoy...

Know what the last thing went through the pirate's minds before the Capt. was freed?

a bullet
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